


It has to begin somewhere

by Signe_chan



Series: Let's see where this goes [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Multi, Pre-Relationship, Slow Build, begining negotiations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-13 01:14:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5688961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Signe_chan/pseuds/Signe_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I ran away. </p><p>That, as it turns out, shocked exactly nobody. It’s kind of upsetting to know your friends expected you to fail, though comforting to know they had a plan ready to bring you back again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It has to begin somewhere

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Trojie for beta reading <3

I ran away. 

That, as it turns out, shocked exactly nobody. It’s kind of upsetting to know your friends expected you to fail, though comforting to know they had a plan ready to bring you back again. 

I got a few systems away. Not far, in any real sense. I was looking for a ride out. I’d found the kind of bar that looked like it might have the kind of people who’d give me a ride out. Made some enquiries, made some enemies, probably. I thought I was about to make a deal when I caught them entering the bar out of the corner of my eye. 

They strode right up to me like they knew exactly where I’d be, flanked me, put their hands on my shoulders. 

“Shit,” the people who apparently weren’t giving me a lift out any more said, turning white. “You didn’t say you were in trouble. He’s nothing to do with us.” 

“He’s not in trouble,” Ray said, squeezing my right shoulder lightly. Well, she probably thought it was likely. I hope. 

“We’ve just come to bring him home.” 

At that point, there wasn’t a lot I could do. They’d caught me fair and square and I didn’t exactly want to air my dirty laundry into the middle of the bar,, so when they pulled at me I went, standing up and following them out, back to the Millennium Falcon. 

We didn’t talk as we walked, though Poe kept his hand on my shoulder. Rey was apparently not so forgiving, stalking away in front of us at top speed. I let her go. I mean, I wanted to chase after her but at the same time she was making it pretty obvious that she didn’t want to talk to me, even though she’d come all this way to get me. 

I guess that she was mad about that. 

Once we were in the Falcon, she headed straight to the cockpit, only stopping when Poe called her. “Rey.” 

“We need to get back.” 

“We need to talk about this first.” 

“Really,” I said, shrugging out from under Poe’s hand. “We don’t need to talk about this.” 

“We don’t need to talk about this?” Rey said, something dangerous in her tone. 

“No…” 

“We really need to talk about this,” Poe said, putting his arm around his shoulders. “We have for a while, guys. You know we have but I didn’t want to push any of you.” 

“I don’t really want to talk to someone who abandons his friends.” 

“Hey, that’s not what I was doing.” 

“Really?” Rey said, spinning on her heel. “Because it looked a lot like you were.” 

“It was…” I didn’t know how to explain it. An unintended consequence? Something like that. I hadn’t wanted to leave her but I hadn’t been able to stay. 

“And this is why we need to talk,” Poe said, arm still around me. “Come on, let’s sit down.” 

Rey went this time, her movements still jerky and angry. I followed her, trying to get my head into order. Trying to find the words that might make her understand. She sat down and I sat across from her. Poe pulled a chair up to the end of the table, putting him between us. I kind of appreciated that. 

“Okay,” he said. “Let’s do this calmly. Finn, you want to tell us what you were doing, buddy?” 

“Look,” I said. This was going to hurt like hell to say but there was no other way. “I’m not the person you think I am.” 

“We know exactly who you are,” Rey replied. 

“No, you don’t. Nobody in the resistance does because you seem to think I’m some kind of hero and I’m, like, the opposite of a hero.” 

“Finn…” 

“The thing I can’t tell any of you? For years, I didn’t mind being a Storm trooper.” 

“You’d better explain that, buddy,” Poe said, voice low. 

“It mean, before it turned into a killing-people job. When I was in sanitation and stuff like that. I didn’t like it but it was alright. If they hadn’t tried to send me to a battlefield, I’d probably still be there now.” 

“But you’re not there,” Rey said. “They asked you to kill and you left. That makes you a hero.” 

“I wish it was that simple. But some days I wish I hadn’t left. That’s the worst thing. I wish I was still working somewhere in sanitation. It was boring but predictable. I never knew anything else. Here, now, I’m scared all the time.” 

“Finn…” 

“I’m scared of the First Order. I’m scared that they’re going to find me and kill me. I’m scared that they’re going to hurt one of you. I’m scared that I’m going to let one of you down. Every damn minute of my day I’m scared, and I can’t take it any more.” 

“So you ran? I can’t believe…” 

“Rey, back down for a minute. Finn, do you really think we’re not scared?” 

“You don’t seem scared.” 

“But I am,” Poe said, flashing one of his throw-away smiles. “I’m terrified. Every fucking minute. I mean, damn, every time I go out I could die. We’re fighting this ridiculous fight against crazy odds.” 

“Then how do you do it?” 

“I just do.” 

“He does it like you do,” Rey interrupted. “Like I do. You can’t stop being afraid, Finn. We’re all afraid. The thing is to not let that fear paralyse you. That’s what makes you a hero. You’re scared of the First Order, that’s natural. But when you realised that they were wrong, you left. You didn’t go along with them, take the path of least resistance, you went. That takes courage.” 

“Hell,” Poe said, slapping me on the back. “You’re probably the bravest guy I know. Most people run away from danger. You, you run right towards it if someone you care about it in it.” 

“Well, of course I do. What, am I meant to let you get killed?” 

“Other people would,” Rey said, slowly. 

“Not you.” 

“Not me,” I agreed. And for a second I almost agreed with them. I mean, I was terrified, of course. But I still did things. I still tried. Maybe I was a hero. 

Maybe I was just deluding myself. 

“I kind of thought you’d be glad to see me go, anyway,” I tired. The expression on Rey’s face told me I’d really put my foot in it. 

“You thought we wanted you to go?” 

“Well, at least that you’d be okay. I mean, you have each other. You pilot this thing together. You don’t need me.” 

There was an awful second where I thought Rey was going to cry. That would be the worst thing in the world. Rey wasn’t the kind of person who ever cried, to think that I’d driven her to it…

“Finn…” 

“No,” Rey interrupted. “No. You can’t just leave. It isn’t about if we can manage to fly the ship without you. It’s nothing to do with that.” 

“I didn’t mean…” 

“You didn’t think. All my life I’ve been alone. Been stuck in a place with no-one by my side, waiting for a family that weren’t ever going to come back for me. All my life, all I’ve wanted was to belong. To have a family. I thought...but clearly I was wrong.” 

She stood jerkily, made to move and I wanted to jump out of my chair, grab her, but Poe beat me to it, wrapping her in his arms. He’d been doing that a lot, lately. Beating me to her. Bonding with her. It was kind of why I thought it was time to go. They had each other now, what was I for? 

I know it sounds all kind of self-pitying but it was hard, watching the two people I cared about most in the world find each other and leave me behind. 

“Rey,” Poe said, and damn but I wished I was over there hugging her too.

“No, I...I thought I could count on you both. I thought you cared.” 

“I do care,” I said quickly, daring a step nearer. “I just...you two were getting closer and I didn’t think you needed me any more. Didn’t think there was space for me. I’m just some guy and you two...you two are both amazing.” 

“Hey, everything we’ve done, you’ve been right here doing it with us,” Poe said, smiling at him. 

“And I’m always going to need you,” Rey added, shoving Poe away. A second later she was wrapping her arms around me, holding me tight. I couldn’t help but lean into the embrace. “I need you both here. I’ve waited so long for people who are mine, you can’t go.” 

“I’m sorry,” I said, because I was and because I thought she needed to hear it. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I shouldn't have gone.” 

“No, you shouldn’t,” Poe agreed. “But you’re coming back with us, right?” 

“Yeah,” I said, tightening my arms around Rey. “I just...I mean, I know I should just shut up now but I’m not sure I get it. You need us both but you need what from us?” 

“I don’t know,” Rey said, pulling back a little to look in my eyes. “I don’t know that I’ve thought about it like that.” 

“Because I care about you. I don’t want to make you unhappy but I’m not sure I can be the third wheel to you and Poe.” 

“Then you two should date,” Poe said, like it was that easy. “I’m really good at being a third wheel.” 

“Excuse me,” Rey said, taking a firm step now. “I’m pretty sure that’s not your decision to make.” 

“I didn’t…” 

“I need you both. You’re both as important as each other to me. I don’t want either of you to be the third wheel.” 

“So neither of us date you?” 

“I don’t...I’m not sure that’s what I want either. Do we need to put a label on this? Can’t we just see where it takes us?” 

I wasn’t sure I was really happy with that. I mean, sure, in theory. I’m good at being good with things in theory but seeing how this fell out? Could I really watch them fall further and further into each other and further from me? 

Could I really leave them and give up a chance that one of them, both of them, might fall towards me instead? 

“We don’t have to work out everything now,” Poe said. He stepped in, put his arms around us both. “We don’t need to sign a treaty or anything. All we need to know for now, Finn, is if you’re coming back with us.” 

I didn’t see that I really had a choice, but I was kind of okay with that. I mean, everything felt like a mess and the entire universe was still terrifying and I didn’t know what the hell I was to Rey and Poe, but I was something. And maybe they were right about me being a bit brave. 

Either way, I had two people here who made me want to be brave. I probably shouldn't leave them. 

“Okay, I’m coming back.”


End file.
